Useful Tips

How to make peace after a quarrel: a step-by-step instruction from psychologists


Have you ever quarreled with anyone and then regretted it? Or maybe you were not so sorry, but you didn’t want or could not afford to lose some of the advantages that you had before the quarrel? Do you have a feeling that your friendship has just shattered? If you broke up with a friend or loved one, then even if your relationship ended poorly, you can try to reunite. In popular psychology, situations when people act contrary to the principles of the so-called worldly wisdom are often astonishing, although in reality such "wisdom" often turns into a rather bleak outlook on life. Many authors, in whose lives there have been no successful attempts at reconciliation, teach just to forget this person and move on through life. They reject the possibility that relations can still be fixed, no matter how deep the conflict has reached. Ultimately, the main task is to establish and maintain as many significant, truly valuable relationships as possible, since without them we deprive ourselves of a normal human life. Sometimes we need an objective view from the outside in order to cope with personal problems, since it is not always easy to deal with them ourselves. This can help find a way out of a hopeless situation, restore good relations and enjoy life again.

We offer several ways to regain someone’s location. However, it is important to remember that reconciliation is a deep and complex psychological and emotional process. In addition, it can give an instant result, it can last for years, or it may not succeed at all.

Step-by-step instructions for everyone

To improve relations after a quarrel, you need to build the right line of behavior. If you immediately behave differently, you can completely ruin everything. Psychologists advise taking several steps towards reconciliation.

Step 1. Do not run away

Even after a serious quarrel, do not run away from a person, even at that moment you can literally hate him. The maximum that is allowed to be done is to go to another room. Otherwise, leaving can be regarded as a point in the relationship.

Step 2. Calm down after a quarrel

Methods of how to calm down, a lot. For example, drink water or do some simple breathing exercises. Or open the window and breathe in fresh air full breast.

Step 3. Ask for forgiveness

Sorry for the fact that you are to blame for shouting, misunderstanding your opponent, inappropriately behaving, offending. There is always something to apologize for. Only this must be done sincerely. And then, regardless of the answer, smile.

Step 4. Distance

Only after that it will be appropriate to leave if you do not live together (but having previously explained that you really need it), or do chores (offering help to your opponent). Do not return to the subject of a quarrel. Pause from several hours to 3 days to calm down and objectively assess the situation.

Step 5. Restore a Good Relationship

At this stage, it's time to appease the person with whom the quarrel occurred, especially if you are to blame. The ways of reconciliation will be discussed below.

Step 6. Solve the problem to the end.

After reconciliation, openly but calmly talk and discuss the cornerstone that caused the quarrel. Try to find a compromise, make concessions. The voice should be soft, calm the interlocutor, think through your arguments in advance so that you do not inadvertently offend him. And most importantly - keep yourself in control. If you feel that the conflict is breaking out again, stop the discussion and pause again.

Many skip the last point, afraid to return to a sore subject, so that a new scandal does not flare up. This error then goes sideways: the problem, together with the remaining resentment, does not disappear anywhere, but grows like a snowball. And next time she can ruin a relationship. Therefore, in a timely manner, solve all the difficulties that cause conflict situations with loved ones.

Reconciliation Methods

Someone goes through all the 6 steps described above in half an hour (most often these are lovers). Others take several hours to cool (parents and children, for example). In some situations, a pause may be delayed for several days (usually it happens with non-blood relatives).

To put up after a quarrel is the most difficult. But, if this person is dear to you, you have to do it. How exactly - psychologists will tell. There are several universal ways that suit absolutely everyone, regardless of who you had a fight with.

Words of reconciliation (you can combine 2-3 phrases at a time, but no more so as not to overdo it):

  • I'm sorry / excuse me, please.
  • That's my fault).
  • I shouldn't have done that.
  • I don’t want to quarrel with you anymore.
  • I value our relationship.
  • I will try to get better.

If both understand humor well, you can make peace with the help of comic phrases:

  • They say that it’s boring to live without quarrels. Maybe we finally get bored?
  • Let's make peace until we forget why we quarreled.

If the words weren’t enough or you didn’t have the opportunity to say them, you will have to move on to more decisive actions so that reconciliation after a quarrel occurs faster. Universal methods suitable for any occasion:

  • send a message (SMS, in instant messengers, social networks),
  • write a letter (electronic or by hand),
  • make a live message through the radio station if you are sure that the person is listening to it at that moment,
  • invite to a conciliatory dinner,
  • make a present.

When choosing methods, keep in mind that in some situations it will be enough to apologize, and in others you will have to write a whole poem with explanations. Try to correctly assess the conflict and find the best option.

Step 1 - take your time to put up

Each person needs a different amount of time to “recover” after a conflict. While your opponent is in the platoon, it is useless to try to discuss the reason for the quarrel with him. Even if you admit that you are wrong, and he agrees with this, seething emotions will prevail, and the conflict will escalate with renewed vigor. To prevent this, wait until the “passions” subside, and then calmly tell your loved one that you want to talk. If the conflict was serious, then reconciliation is better to transfer from home to a public place. In this case, a change of scenery will benefit.

Step 3 - put yourself in the place of another person

When trying to make peace after a quarrel, tell your opponent that you understand his feelings, and in his place you would feel the same way. Focus on his resentment. Do not be afraid to acknowledge aloud that you are guilty of something in front of your loved one. Try to begin reconciliation with the phrase: "I'm sorry to upset you." During the conversation, try not to use the union “but”. This can ruin your whole initiative.

Step 1. Do not rush to talk

Step 1. Wait to talk

It is useless to speak out the problem while the other person is still up to speed. Even if you immediately say “Sorry, I was wrong”, and your loved one agrees with this, emotions will continue to seethe and soon the conflict will aggravate again. Therefore, you should wait until the passions calm down, then calmly say that you want to talk. If the quarrel was really hot, try to talk in a public place, for example, at a dinner in a restaurant, and not at home. A change of scenery will only play into your hands. Psychologists also advise to be careful and try not to conduct conciliatory conversations in front of children.

Step 4 - do not be offended by a loved one for his reaction

Sometimes it happens that you apologized to him for your words or deed that caused the conflict, and he said in response that you really did a bad thing. Such a reaction of a partner can cause you indignation and provoke a new quarrel. Pull yourself together, take a deep breath and nod your head back. The main goal of reconciliation is to take responsibility for the fact that the other person has felt bad about you.

Step 2. Give up the idea that you are right

Step 2. Give up the idea that you are right

Try not to focus on the details of the quarrel. From your point of view, you will still be right, even if in fact it is not. Instead, focus on the feelings of the other person. He is offended exactly as much as you, and also thinks that he is right.

Step 3. Mirror another person’s position

Say out loud that you understand how he feels. This helps to focus on his needs. Imagine that you went to a party without a husband, and he was offended by you. Say: “I am very sorry that yesterday I went for a walk without you. I understand that you are offended. " Many people do not want to apologize because they do not want to admit that they did something wrong. A good attempt at reconciliation would be: “Sorry for upsetting you. I see nothing wrong with going to a party without you. True, it would be better if I didn’t, because I don’t want you to be upset. ” Most importantly, never use the word "but." The phrase “I'm sorry, but ...” casts doubt on the whole initiative.

Step 5. Explain that you care

And also say that you are ready to change your behavior. Look offended in the eyes, hug him or touch his hand. Accept the fact that he will need time to “move away." Try to be sensitive and attentive. And after a while, make sure that you are doing everything right by asking about it directly.

Step Six, Spare

If the quarrel has become rampant, try to attract a third party that could reconcile you. If you had a fight with your husband, it can be a friend of the family, if with mom - dad. The main thing is that this is a person who equally loves both of you. He will be able to listen to both sides, from his height to see where both are right and where to blame, and smooth out the conflict. In the event that the quarrel is very serious, you can contact a psychologist. Most likely, you will need only one trick, the main thing is not to go there alone, but to go to him along with the one you offended and who offended you.

Step 5 - Explain that you are worried about the conflict and are ready to correct your mistakes, if possible

Hug a native person or touch him, during a conversation look him in the eye. Sincerity in the conversation will help to quickly restore mutual understanding. If your interlocutor did not immediately embark on the path of reconciliation, do not be offended by it and do not be upset. He just needs extra time to "move away" from the quarrel. Be attentive and sensitive to those with whom you are in a quarrel. After some time, ask him if you are doing everything right.

With parents

If the son had a falling out with dad, it’s enough to talk like a man, admit your mistakes, show that you respect his age and life experience. If this happened between the daughter and father, everything is simpler - gently hug, kiss, promise that you won’t do it anymore. Allowed to cry a little.

A much more serious situation develops when a quarrel occurred with mom. Women are harder to move away from conflicts than men. Something to explain and prove their point of view - such a path for reconciliation with it is clearly not suitable. A son can buy flowers, invite to a cafe, devote her days off. Daughter - ask for life advice, call for tea, distract with household issues.

If you want to make peace with your parents, let them stay with their grandchildren. And if you do not have a family yet, be sure to spend time with them, and not 2-3 hours, but 1-2 days. Go to their cottage, go to visit common acquaintances, take a walk - remember your childhood. This will definitely melt their heart.

Reconciliation with husband

Reconciliation after a quarrel with a husband is somewhat different from restoring relations with a parent or girlfriend. When the two of you “cool down” from the heat of passion, discuss the cause of the conflict. The opportunity to discuss mutual claims and come to an understanding reduces the likelihood of quarrels in the future. During the conversation, do not blame the spouse, but try to understand his logic, find out why he did this and not otherwise.

If the conflict occurred due to the fact that you asked your husband to do something, but he did not fulfill it, then consider whether your request was appropriate, whether he had the opportunity to implement it. Perhaps you offended your spouse undeservedly. In such a situation, you will have to “step over” yourself and ask for forgiveness first.

Often, immediately after a quarrel, a man feels sexual arousal; hormones “boil” this. If you wish, then reconciliation after conflict is the most pleasant way to quickly restore peace in the family. You can also arrange a romantic surprise for your beloved, or just come up to him, hug and kiss. From surprise, he will forget about his insult.

If you often argue with your husband, then come up with a ritual of reconciliation. He will help you quickly restore relationships. True, this method is only suitable for minor quarrels.

If in spite of all efforts to reconcile after a quarrel does not work, try to bring a third person to the resolution of the conflict. If you had a fight with your dad, it could be mom, if with your husband - a family friend. It must be a person who knows both of you well and treats you equally positively and with love. An outsider will be able to listen to both sides, to impartially decide who is right and who is to blame, and help smooth out the conflict. If the quarrel is serious, and in no way can you establish a relationship, then you should seek the help of a psychologist. Visit a specialist with someone who is offended by you. Most likely, one session will be enough to make up.

With grandparents

Old people become very vulnerable and touchy with age. This must be borne in mind. Do not expect to be forgiven right away. Give them time. But do not do this yourself. Try different options. Ask forgiveness, hug. Not melted? Surround them with attention and care: help around the house or in the garden, sit with them on the TV, try to talk on abstract topics. One of the most effective ways - ask them to remember something from the past, if they are ready to listen carefully and for a long time.

With mother-in-law

Ideally, it is better not to engage in a quarrel with the mother-in-law, because it will be incredibly difficult to make peace (in most cases). But this is also possible. Rule number 1 - stop seeing the enemy in it. Rule number 2 - put yourself in her place: what would you do? Find at least some justification for her words and actions. After that, after a pause (days 2-3), buy her favorite cake and invite her to visit for tea. As an option - let me go play with my grandchildren, pick them up for the weekend or for the night. Finally release your husband to fix her a crane or dig up a garden. You know better why she will be delighted.

With friend or girlfriend

If the usual words of reconciliation do not work and it is useless to ask for forgiveness, in friendship one must act as in a war - with the help of a frontal attack. Why do you need friends and girlfriends? That's right: help. Create a critical situation and ask them for help. For example, the bridegroom left you before the wedding. Or you have a car stalled on a deserted highway. The emergence of a new problem will make you forget about a quarrel for a while, make peace, calm down, and then, if necessary, return to the cause of the conflict.

It’s easier for men: it’s enough to invite a friend to go fishing or to the bathhouse - and consider that there were no misunderstandings. It would also be useful for girls to take this method into service - for example, call a girlfriend to the spa or for shopping.

With daughter or son

It is easier to make peace with sons as with men. You need to pause and talk openly. Arguments, facts, everything is clear and to the point - in short, a constructive conversation will be able to dot all i. It will be more difficult with a daughter, because by virtue of female psychology she can wind up herself, be offended very much, not talk and not make contact. Ask her to help with the housework, sit with her grandchildren, offer to go somewhere together. Common activities and worries will distract from unnecessary thoughts, and it will be easier to make peace.

Psychologists categorically do not recommend parents to put up with children through blackmail or deception ("Come, my heart is bad"). When the truth is revealed, the relationship can be ruined irrevocably.

With your beloved or beloved

Universal methods of reconciliation for lovers of both sexes:

  • leave a message on the pavement in front of the window of your loved one: [Name], forgive me / love you / you are the best,
  • record an audio apology or short video,
  • order a cake with the words of reconciliation,
  • make a massage
  • arrange a joint trip.

How to make peace with a girl / wife:

  • invite to dinner in a restaurant,
  • give flowers
  • make a cute gift like a teddy bear,
  • to date, to the movies,
  • to take on part of her responsibilities at home and raising children.

In the end, after a big quarrel, if you are very guilty, but in no way want to lose her, make a beautiful gesture of reconciliation, which she will remember for a lifetime: buy an engagement ring and make an offer. Sometimes this is the only way to save a relationship.

How to make peace with a guy / husband:

  • приготовить его любимое блюдо, организовать романтический ужин при свечах,
  • попросить помочь в деле, которое требует сугубо мужской силы,
  • сделать подарок в соответствии с его хобби (удочку, видеорегистратор),
  • купить красивое нижнее бельё,
  • наговорить ему кучу комплиментов и убедить в том, что он самый идеальный.

It's easier to put up with a soul mate if there is love in the relationship that is ready to close your eyes to a lot. On the other hand, you can never go beyond the bounds of what is permissible, otherwise you can lose everything, and then no methods will work.

Questions and answers: psychologist consultation

How to start a conversation?

Surprisingly, people ask such a question, not understanding the obvious. Psychologists specifically advise with which phrase to begin reconciliation: "Forgive me, please." This is a universal option in any situation. As already mentioned, there is always something to apologize for after conflicts. Even if you are not guilty, you could probably say something offensive in a state of anger, raise your voice, break something. So this expression will be very appropriate.

Should I write first?

If a person is important to you, if you want to maintain a relationship - definitely, yes. Pride and prejudice of society have nothing to do with it. It’s worth thinking only if, after the tenth quarrel, you go to put up the first time for the tenth time: does he really need this?

Who should put up first?

The one who is to blame. If this is difficult to find out, then the younger generations ask for forgiveness from the elders, and the men in a pair - from the women. But this is ideal. And usually the first to be reconciled is the one who is softer in nature or values ​​the relationship more.

When is it better to put up?

If you return to the instructions at the beginning of the article, then at step 5.

How to make up after a strong quarrel?

If a person after a quarrel is very offended, it may take a little more time to pause. Let him think it over and be bored. Only after that take steps to make peace. Proceed in increasing steps: ask for forgiveness - offer help in something - invite to spend time together - make a small gift. If all this does not take effect, it remains only to surprise with something extraordinary!

Regardless of who the quarrel was with or how severe it was, you must definitely go make peace. If you drag on with this, you can lose a loved one and a person forever. Even if you have decided for yourself to leave, you do not need to make it enemies. First, build a good relationship, and then start your life from scratch.