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Rules and psychology of communication with others: are they so complicated?


Communication failure can be caused by a number of factors. The most common causes include the following:

  1. Stereotypes. Due to the simplified and generalized opinion, there is no adequate understanding of the situation and the participants.
  2. Biased attitude. In this case, we are talking about the categorical denial of any opposing opinions and views.
  3. Hostile attitude towards the opponent. A negative attitude towards the person himself does not adequately perceive the situation and information.
  4. Lack of feedback (attention and interest). Interest is a manifestation of the subjective significance of information for a person. If something is not important or not clear to him, then it is not interesting.
  5. Ignoring the facts. Conclusions based on guesswork, intuition, surface information.
  6. Inconsistency in speech, unconvincing, misuse of words or construction of speech.
  7. Error in choosing tactics and communication strategies.

Communication strategies

The choice of strategy depends on the situation. There are 3 possible communication options:

  1. Monological - dialogical.
  2. Role - personal, that is, communication according to social roles and "heart to heart".
  3. Open and closed. The first type involves the full expression of their point of view and the adoption of someone else's, the exchange of similar but identical information. With closed communication, a person cannot or does not want to fully express his position. Closed communication is used in conflicts and with a pronounced difference in the levels of competence of the parties.

Difficulties in informal communication

In addition to general barriers to communication, one can distinguish certain personality traits that impede contacts with people. Think about whether you suffer from any of the following.

  1. Social insecurity. It implies self-doubt caused by the perception of one’s status. For example, when communicating with the boss.
  2. Timidity. It can be triggered by biological or social factors. The personal characteristics (biological) include aggression, anxiety, slowness, and other features of temperament. Other reasons for timidity can be found in low self-esteem after suffering stress or trauma, social isolation in childhood, poor personal communication experience, lack of vocabulary, literacy, and oratory.
  3. Shyness. It also follows from psychological and social factors.
  4. Inability to establish psychological contact. Due to a lack of psychological literacy, ignorance of people, the inability to see the characteristics of the partner.

Reasons for inadequate perception of people

Why doesn’t communication with some people under any circumstances? Maybe you do not accept the person himself? So, what prevents the right to perceive the interlocutor:

  1. The idea of ​​the interlocutor prevailing even before the start of personal communication.
  2. Thinking by stereotypes, that is, the instantaneous assignment of a person to a group and the search for characteristic features in him.
  3. Early conclusions in personality assessment.
  4. Orientation only on one’s own ideas about a person, ignoring opinions from the outside.
  5. Habit for a person, the conviction that he "does not know how to do otherwise."

For an adequate perception, it is important to exclude these factors, to develop the ability to:

  • empathy (representing the emotions of others),
  • identification (put yourself in the place of other people),
  • reflection (evaluate how others see you).

Communicative competence and competence

I think we should distinguish between the concepts of competence and competence:

  • Competence - possession of methods for solving communicative problems.
  • Competence is a personal characteristic, a set of several competencies, that is, internal resources, knowledge, skills necessary to create and maintain interaction (communication).

Diagnose your skills

In the course of communication, people have a strong influence on each other's personalities. It is possible that your communication does not work out because of intolerance to criticism, since as a result of communication the claims and intentions of the parties, their thoughts, emotions and feelings are always modified. I suggest you evaluate yourself as an interlocutor.

I advise you to take a test for communicative competence (author V.E. Levkin) so that you know what you are dealing with. I’ll ask you to honestly answer 5 questions. Remember that overpriced results are as bad as underestimated ones. In the first case, you risk inadequately perceiving yourself and the world, and in the second - to acquire uncertainty and become passive. So answer honestly to each question in points from 1 to 7 (how much each scale is expressed).

  1. The ability to listen and hear, listen and listen, the ability to make listen.
  2. The ability to convey one’s thought clearly and accurately, in a language understandable to the interlocutor, the ability to convince.
  3. The ability to understand and consider the emotions, motives and intentions of people, the ability to motivate.
  4. The ability in communication to control your emotions, maintain clarity of mind and understanding of the meaning of actions.
  5. Ability to prevent and resolve conflicts, find a way out of pre-conflict situations.

If some ability has received a low rating, then it needs to be developed. To get a general result, multiply all the estimates and summarize.

  • 15043-16807 points (90-100%) - excellent.
  • 11682-15042 points (70-89%) - good.
  • 4959-11681 points (30-69%) - satisfactory.
  • 1598-4958 points (10-29%) - weak.
  • 1-1597 points (1-9%) - very weak.

If you doubt your assessment or want to know how others see you, then ask someone to answer these statements about you.

Thus, you have obtained a result regarding general communicative competence and individual abilities. Now you know your strengths and weaknesses. Time to act!

The basics of working on yourself

It should be understood that a lack of communication is easier to change than a lack of communication. The first is the inability to establish contact, that is, ignorance of the fundamentals of the communication process, strategies, rules. Sociability - the impossibility of establishing contacts, due to personal characteristics. From that I offer you two areas of work:

  1. To improve communication, just remember the material in this article and practice regularly.
  2. For personal changes, you need to establish the causes of the failures (write down what preceded the failed contacts). After that, delve into the study of a specific problem, for example, shyness, suspiciousness, aggressiveness, and so on, and also study methods of self-regulation for what cannot be changed, for example, accentuations of character, temperament characteristics. In some cases, a visit to a therapist may be necessary.

How to overcome shyness

Shyness is the most popular reason for communication failures. I want to consider it in more detail.

  1. Do not leave conversations. Whatever discomfort you feel, communicate with different people. Find something interesting and enjoyable for yourself.
  2. A popular fallacy of shy people: you only need to say smart. Allow yourself to say trivial things.
  3. Allow yourself to be a child, but not irresponsible, but immediate, cheerful. Remember how easily the children begin to talk to each other.
  4. Learn to be spontaneous. Tell jokes and everyday stories.
  5. Help people. Sometimes, due to shyness, a person cannot say “thank you” what is perceived as arrogance and anger.
  6. Control your face, watch out for a smile.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), shyness and similar traits can only be overcome using the wedge-wedge method.

How to communicate with the opposite sex

Difficulties in communicating with the opposite sex are usually caused by the parental scenario and stereotypes. Forget everything “should”, allow yourself to be yourself and make an independent idea of ​​the partner. The basis of the work is the compilation of real expectations and requirements for yourself and your partner. What are you missing?

How to be attractive to the interlocutor

Communicative attractiveness, or attraction, consists in the following provisions:

  1. Do not skimp on personal appeals (by name or patronymic). This subconsciously causes positive emotions and interest, is regarded as attention and respect.
  2. Do not forget to smile and maintain an “open” face, be friendly.
  3. Do not avoid compliments and praise. Promotion is pleasant to all people.
  4. Always let us speak to our interlocutor. If you are not interested or have already heard about it, then listen patiently with a friendly face.
  5. Use knowledge about your interlocutor (zodiac sign, hobby, temperament).

General rules for effective engagement

  1. Speak in plain language. If the partner does not understand slang or professional terminology, then do not go into it.
  2. Show respect and attention (verbal and non-verbal).
  3. Focus on common areas (religion, profession, gender, hobbies).
  4. Take an interest in problems, listen to experiences.

Psychotechnics of communication

  1. Think in advance about the scenario and possible development of communication.
  2. Create a favorable psychological environment. The best option is personal communication at close range. Do not start the conversation “right off the bat”. Ask, for example, how your interlocutor got. Think over your appearance (clothes, makeup, image). Your appearance and courtesy are the first things that dispose or repel a partner.
  3. Stimulate the activity of the interlocutor, give preference to dialogue, observe speech etiquette.
  4. Choose behavior according to the situation, but always be attentive to the interlocutor. Signs of attention: a slight tilt of the body forward, eyebrow movements, paraphrasing of words (I understand that ... Right? ”).
  5. Establish psychological contact through gradual rapprochement (its foundation is confidence, interest, honesty, emotional stability), the creation of "We", fulfillment of all possible and slightest requests, compliments, rewards, approvals during the conversation.
  6. Prove your position from the point of view of the interests of the partner, and not yours (first identify the characteristics of the person opposite).
  7. Do not forget about self-regulation (managing your emotions and feelings, thoughts, feelings) and other recommendations for communication.

If you need to speak to an audience

An audience is a group of people united by activity and place. Group psychology, and in particular group perception, differs from the individual. For example, suggestibility, imitation, infection, and intense emotion are characteristic of a large group. Unless motives may differ. Someone came for the sake of interest and knowledge, and someone “voluntarily-forcibly” by someone’s order or request.

Communication with the audience, that is, a lot of people is a special situation that requires its own psychological adjustments, if I may say so. It is important to know the methods of maintaining interest, attracting attention, self-control, delivering information, no matter what. So, what you need to know and how to behave when communicating with an audience:

  1. The optimal distance is 3-4 meters. Further it is regarded as arrogance or uncertainty, closer - violation of space, pressure. Avoid physical touch. But you should understand that these nuances depend on the audience and the topic of conversation.
  2. Pause at the beginning of a speech. This is necessary to prepare the audience. At the time of the pause, the listeners will examine you, the surroundings, that is, tune in to an attentive listening. At the same time, the listeners will become intrigued, and the speaker himself will have time to calm down.
  3. Avoid monotonous boring speeches and direct calls (“Attention!”, “Be careful, please!”).
  4. Keep track of the variety and volume of information, whether the content matches the interests of the audience.
  5. If you see that some material “doesn’t go in”, then improvise. Always monitor the response of the listener.
  6. How to attract attention? Try to withstand intriguing pauses. Build the text on a “question and answer” basis. Give conflicting and controversial arguments.
  7. Use different styles of speech, including provocative ones.
  8. Use interesting expressions, quotes, aphorisms.
  9. Change the pace of speech and the timbre of the voice.
  10. Use epithets and other figures of speech.
  11. Focus on abstracts, summarize preliminary results.
  12. Always highlight the problem and provide alternative opinions on it.
  13. Keep eye to eye contact. You can select 1-2 people from the front rows.
  14. Give speech the character of a discussion, a debate (with yourself or with the audience).
  15. Do not skimp on clarity and gestures (but do not overdo it).
  16. Address the audience (“So, dear listeners, we have come to ...”).
  17. Try to talk yourself, not read a piece of paper.
  18. Pay attention to the beginning of the speech. Phrases like “I haven’t specially prepared, but let’s try”, “I don’t even know how to start”, “Perhaps you don’t like what I say” do not fit. It is better to give preference to phrases such as “Have you heard”, “You probably do not know yet”. Along with this, do not forget about greetings and appeals.
  19. Give preference to the pronouns “we”, “you”, try not to abuse the “I”.
  20. Remember that the beginning and end of information is best remembered. Try not to include the most important points in the middle of the text.
  21. It is important to work on speech literacy. Wrong stylistically used words or incorrect pronunciation can cause irritation, ridicule and irony from the audience. And even more dangerous is the loss of attention. Listeners will follow the speaker and his speech, not the content of the thought.
  22. No way to attract attention will save if the speaker’s personality does not cause the audience to be located. First of all, you need to respect the audience, be sensitive and attentive, friendly. Other moral and ethical qualities that arouse trust and interest include principledness, erudition, conviction, self-criticism.

The qualities of a good speaker

I want to introduce you, dear readers, with the qualities of a good speaker. Possessing these qualities, you can easily communicate immediately with an entire audience (group of friends).

  1. Competence in the topic under discussion, erudition, a high level of general personality culture.
  2. Conviction in one's own activity, pronounced thoughts.
  3. Flexibility, criticality and self-criticism (qualities of the mind).
  4. Decisiveness, self-control, perseverance (qualities of will).
  5. Resistance (to external stimuli), impulsiveness (reaction in the right places to a problem situation), cheerfulness (qualities of emotions).
  6. Goodwill, sociability, modesty, tact (qualities of the communicative sphere).
  7. Organization, determination, efficiency, energy, efficiency (business qualities).

It is important to understand that the same qualities provide different results. Adding to the temperament and character, they form an individual style of communication with the audience.

How to communicate without conflict

Because of the inability to communicate with people, conflicts often occur. By the way, they can happen for other reasons, but without communicative skills they definitely will not be able to resolve. How to communicate, so as not to get into conflict? How to respond to rudeness and debate?

  1. Always remember self-control, do not give vent to emotions.
  2. If you can’t restrain yourself at all, then challenge yourself: “Can I withstand the pressure and inadequacy of these people?”
  3. Do not be categorical, do not make rash decisions and do not throw counter offers aside.
  4. Focus on similar points of view, not excellent ones. If there are none, then leave the conversation or continue to calmly insist on your own.
  5. Respect the other person and yourself. Remember that when you insult, then the negative also reaches you.
  6. If necessary or convenient, transfer the conversation to another channel, change the subject, stop first in a "hot" situation.
  7. If you assume that some of your thoughts will cause a breakdown in your communication partner, then choose the most gentle wording or refrain altogether (if possible).
  8. Do not repeat the same arguments, especially if they are denied the same amount.
  9. Learn to recognize the right of every person to their opinion, which may not correspond to yours. Leave the opponent the right to remain unconvinced.
  10. Remember that everyone, including you, can be wrong. Listen to other points of view on controversial issues, double-check information, expand existing data.

Always remember that all negative emotions have a negative effect primarily on your body, and then on your opponent. Disputes, experiences, enmities take a lot of energy. And emotional stress turns into muscle tension of the whole body (psychosomatics).

Principles of Secular Society

Secular communication has a number of mandatory requirements:

  1. Будьте вежливы и тактичны, так вы поддерживаете и соблюдаете интерес другой стороны.
  2. Старайтесь избегать возражений и обвинений. Выражайте одобрение и согласие.
  3. Будьте доброжелательны и приветливы.
  4. Remember that in secular society, people rarely express true emotions and feelings.

Business Communication Principles

Communication at work has completely different features that are important to consider in order to successfully communicate with colleagues and the boss.

  1. Focus on the common thread of the conversation and the main goal, invest according to this (cooperativeness).
  2. Do not understate, but do not exaggerate the content and volume of information. Speak strictly in the case (sufficiency of information).
  3. Do not lie or hide facts (quality of information).
  4. Do not deviate from the topic (appropriateness).
  5. Be precise and specific in your statements and arguments (clarity).
  6. Learn to listen and highlight the main thoughts (understanding) from the context.
  7. Consider the individual characteristics of the interlocutor, but remember the main goal and idea of ​​conversation.

The boundaries and principles of business communication, as a rule, are discussed in advance by the interlocutors.


So, communicating with people is not difficult and not scary. It is only necessary:

  • be confident in yourself and what you do, say
  • Respect yourself and others (do not switch to personalities, manipulations),
  • to listen to the opponent and to know him, that is, to have developed empathy,
  • be critical, but not categorical,
  • always keep a friendly attitude (thanks, greetings, compliments),
  • have communicative competencies,
  • get rid of personal "cockroaches".

Remember that the cause of communication problems is always in you, and it is up to you to overcome these obstacles. I wish you the strength to solve your difficulties and eradicate undesirable traits. Grow personally, and the ability to communicate will come to you by itself!

Rules of communication (communication) of a person with other people

In psychology, communication is a way to exchange information according to certain rules adopted in society. These rules are basic, they work in any team, whether it is a friendly meeting, social event or work environment. This is the basis of interpersonal interaction.

  1. Eye contact.

Problem: due to shyness, guilt, negativity, a person deliberately looks around while talking, under his feet or directs his eyes to the ceiling.

Decision: make eye contact while looking at someone you are talking to. This helps create a warm, trusting conversation. The interlocutors feel each other's mood better, the conversation becomes easier.

  1. Speech without unnecessary words that do not carry a semantic load.

Problem: An abundance of parasitic words that a person uses as “crutches” based on them in conversation.

Decision: Repeated interjections and catchwords draw attention to themselves. The interlocutor loses the essence of the conversation, involuntarily concentrating on frequent words. The more diverse the speech, the more comfortable it is to talk. It is not so difficult to follow the speech, not allowing them to be repeated frequently.

  1. Maintaining a conversation: questions.

Problem: if you don’t ask, it will seem that the subject matter is uninteresting. If you ask too many questions, the dialogue becomes like an interrogation. Inappropriate curiosity about something very personal, can disappoint and push away at all.

Decision: communication is built on harmonious questions in the right amount. You need to ask them on the topic of conversation, without jumping to other topics. This is how communication comfort is laid: dialogue is of interest to all participants, the topic is close to them. The psychology of conversation forbids digging deep into personal space, it is important to notice in time that the interlocutor is not ready to answer, not to put pressure on him.

  1. Maintaining a conversation: answers.

Problem: the conversation becomes like an interview: one only asks, and the other only answers. One tries to talk, and the other speaks in monosyllables, reluctantly.

Decision: Take a more active part in the conversation. To be a good listener, but do not forget to speak, without interrupting the interlocutor’s speech. The more detailed the answer, the more confidence in the sincerity of the conversation.

  1. Smile and sense of humor.

Problem: a man without a smile does not seem serious, but squeezed, unhappy, angry. Dialogue with such a mood also turns out to be crumpled, awkward.

Decision: even in serious conversations there is a place for a smile, even a slight one. It is worth relaxing your facial muscles, making your eyes calmer, kinder, and the conversation will acquire a mood of goodwill. The psychology of communication is kindness, interest, sincerity. A pleasant smile is the key to success.

  1. Extra items from the hands off!

Problem: many people have a bad habit of turning an object in their hands during a conversation: a pencil, pen, a rope on a hood or a strap, their own curl.

Decision: The psychology of communication requires monitoring hands. The object in the hands, in fact, is the same “crutch” as parasitic words. Any little thing distracts all participants in the dialogue. It may seem to one that the conversation topic is boring to the interlocutor, while others will lose the thread of the conversation. The item can capture the owner so much that he forgets about eye contact.

  1. A good conversation has no pauses.

Problem: On purpose or for some personal reasons, a person can withstand too long pauses during a conversation.

Decision: Pauses are allowed for no more than 10 seconds. This is an intuitive indicator that is within the comfort of an interesting conversation. A longer silence will tell you that the time has come for a new topic of conversation. Obviously, the previous one has exhausted itself.

These are the basic rules that help to understand what communication is in psychology. This is interaction, interest, compliance with what is permitted. Comfortable atmosphere will complement relaxation, self-confidence and a sincere smile.

8 qualities of a person to whom people are drawn

Communication begins from within. It’s rare for anyone to think of starting a conversation with a gloomy person who has a tired look, an evil look, and there is not even a shadow of a smile on his face. To become a welcome conversationalist, you need to start with a detailed analysis of yourself.

The desire to communicate with a person is caused by such personal qualities:

  • kindness,
  • positive thinking, but without excesses. The ability to notice more good around
  • ability to provide support, sensitivity to the interlocutor’s mood, respect for his feelings,
  • lack of negativity in relation to others. Not a competing position, but a mood for interaction,
  • self-confidence and words,
  • the ability to relax in a conversation, to show your calmness,
  • ability to feel comfortable next to the interlocutor, smile, kind look,
  • the ability to find in the interlocutor that is worthy of respect, sincerely admire it.

How to communicate with people with whom it is impossible to communicate?

Perhaps the most difficult thing in the interaction is a dialogue with a person who does not even have an intuitive knowledge of how to talk to people correctly. Psychology gives some advice on this subject.

An unbearable interlocutor can be called someone who interrupts, criticizes, fills the conversation with the negative that has accumulated inside. He can project on others his failures, dissatisfaction with life in general, or a difficult day at work. In order not to become a victim of someone’s negative attitudes, you need to be responsible for your part of the communication, not succumbing to provocations. Here is what can disarm any unpleasant interlocutor:

  • calm
  • politeness,
  • smile,
  • friendliness,
  • search for common ground, common interests,
  • an attempt to take the place of the interlocutor, to understand him,
  • cunning.

How to communicate with complex people, psychology will help. In some difficult cases, it may be necessary to consult a specialist psychologist-hypnologist and tell in detail about the essence of hostility.


The first step is to get rid of the insidious state - sociophobia. This is the main enemy of any communications. In the presence of hostility to society, the fear of conversation about any relaxed comfortable dialogue can not be discussed.

Fighting this condition may require specialist intervention; it is not always easy to get rid of social phobia.

Causes of fear of communication with people and methods for their elimination

Some people prefer to avoid unnecessary conversations, especially with unfamiliar people. They look gloomy, silent, even embittered. In fact, the main reasons for the fear of interaction with society are not so many:

  • low self-esteem, self-doubt: in appearance, correct beliefs, speech literacy,
  • negative experience in the past: incorrect treatment of parents, teachers, unsuccessful public speaking,
  • lack of experience in principle: a long life in solitude, forced "imprisonment" in four walls.

Psychology tells you how to learn to communicate with people: you need to work out the causes of fear, and then get rid of them.

  1. Awareness of the problem, acceptance. Resolve to eliminate it.
  2. Regular work to overcome barriers: reading books, doing exercises. You can resort to the help of a specialist. People experiencing difficulties in verbal communication can first seek online advice. This method offers a psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valeryevich Baturin.
  3. Regularly practice conversations with people: first in the closest environment, then among friends, and then to the audience. The main thing is to do everything in stages, not to rush, to feel confident in your actions.

5 books to help boost communication skills

Here are the best options:

  1. “Communication skill. Finding a Common Language with Anyone ”(Paul McGee).
  2. “How to Talk with Anyone” (Mark Rhodes).
  3. “I hear you through and through. An effective negotiation technique ”(Mark Goulston).
  4. “Secrets of communication. The magic of words ”(James Borg).
  5. “How to Win Friends and Influence People” (Dale Carnegie).

The basic rules of the psychology of communicating with a girl

The concept of communication in psychology includes various types of interaction: in a team, with loved ones, with new friends. Particular attention is given to the interaction of young people with girls section. In our society, the opinion is still leading that a man should take the initiative. Therefore, it is necessary to know the rules for communicating with girls. Simple recommendations will help you to be fully equipped:

  • the ability to feel the mood of the interlocutor: to stop in time, if she is not ready for dialogue, to be more persistent, if she is just a little shy,
  • to give sincere compliments, wrapping them in beautiful words (not “today the dress is better than yesterday”, but “you are delightful in this dress”),
  • the ability to surprise
  • ability to maintain a conversation and timely translate the topic.

In addition to these moments of conversation, it is important to pump personal qualities:

  • self-confidence that is easy to read in voice, gaze, gestures,
  • determination, thirst for life, plans for the future,
  • positive energy
  • sincere smile
  • erudition.

Getting rid of the fear of dating is one of the areas of work of Nikita Baturin:

Working on himself, any man can at least become an excellent conversationalist with whom he wants to spend the evening.

The art of communication in psychology is given a lot of attention. Effective interaction with people is a guarantee of success and achievement of results. Everyone is able to develop communication skills. The best results are achieved if a person is ready to work on himself independently, and additionally consults with a psychologist. Interaction problems do not always lie on the surface. A specialist-hypnologist is better to work with some installations: it will be effective, fast and reliable.