- Fear of failure (atichyphobia) is peculiar to each individual, but to one person is a success.
- Every individual experienced a fear of loneliness at least once in his life. Many people understand.
- Gambling is an analogue of addiction, a kind of malicious hobby, excessive.
1. A sense of inferiority
Just the sight of an attractive girl makes you nervous, and the thought of going up to her is terrifying. Why? Because you consider yourself unworthy of this beauty. Remember the women whose appearance is far from your ideal. Surely their company causes less discomfort.
The point is that men draw conclusions that are too far-reaching, based only on the external data of the woman. But imagine: is she stupid? Or does she completely lack a sense of humor? Or do you just have nothing in common? You do not know this person yet, but you are already confident in her splendor (and your inconsistency with it).
As a result, the feeling of your own inferiority deprives you of confidence and prevents you from showing your individuality.
Tip: remember that appearance speaks more about genes than about personality. So do not rush to deify the stranger and send yourself to the list of unworthy. Find out in practice what kind of person she is.
2. Obsession and unrealistic fantasies
Shy guys tend to choose one girl as an object of dreams. Only a couple of short conversations or smiles can relate to a beautiful person: a shy person is enough to imagine a shared future in all details. What happens in the end? The guy winds himself up so much that when it comes to decisive action, he is lost under the weight of high expectations.
You thought about her for so long and turned her into such a perfect being that fear paralyzed you.
Another option for the development of the scenario: you finally dare to invite her on a date, but after three minutes of conversation you realize that she is not at all that beautiful lady from your head. And on the basis of a three-minute communication, you decide to retreat without ever recognizing the girl for real.
Tip: say “stop” to empty fantasies and direct energy to communication. Well, remember that in the world there are a lot of cute and interesting girls. Looping on one with which you are almost unfamiliar, obviously should not.
Guys who suffer from shyness or have little relationship experience can wait a long time for the right moment to talk, touch, and the first kiss. But the longer they wait and the more they think about it, the more fear becomes.
Tip: act impulsively. All thoughts that appear after the first impulse are aimed at discouraging you from doing something. In the end, it is better to do and regret than not to do and regret.
1. Build a conversation properly
Cooper mentions the chaining method. Surely you have already used this technique, but perhaps not quite right.
Its essence is as follows ... Any, even the most insignificant information becomes the starting point. Then a clarifying question is asked. Based on the answer to this question, the following replica is built. And further down the thumb.
An example of a failed conversation:
BUT:Hello! Where are you from?
BUT:Oh, and what are you doing there?
BUT:Where, if not a secret?
AT:At the factory.
BUT:And by whom?
AT:Milling machine operator, * &% + #!
Mistake And that he too formally approached the conversation. As a result, he boiled down to a banal enumeration of facts, from which the milling cutter V. became brutalized.
Tip: Bet on emotions, not boring data.
For example, instead of questioning, A could share his impressions of Chelyabinsk or ask B what she likes (or doesn't like) in this city.
Second recommendation: develop the topic in several directions. So the conversation becomes more complete. And even if one of the branches of the conversation turns out to be a dead end, it will always be possible to return to the other.
Exercise "Talk Card"
Take a blank sheet of paper. In the middle, write a word that can serve as the beginning of a conversation or that you often hear from girls. Now draw the rays that extend from it. They will be the directions of the conversation. Formulate them as statements or as questions. The main thing is that they relate to emotions and values. The more directions you come up with, the better.
- Start word: psychologist.
- Branch-emotion: how do you feel when you enter into such a close relationship with different people?
- Value Branch: you are probably a very caring person if you choose this profession.
2. Stop being silent
A sudden pause in the conversation, Cooper says, is normal. It’s not normal that you feel awkward and uncomfortable about them. It is with these sensations that one must fight.
The first thing to do is to realize that you are not a host, but an accomplice in the conversation. You do not need to blame yourself for not being able to instantly react and figure out how to continue the conversation. This will only increase stupor.
The second rule is to stay relaxed. If you are nervous about silence, then it automatically becomes awkward.
The third rule (and hint) is a natural continuation of the conversation. Situational comments can help here. The essence of the method is to pay attention to what is happening in the outside world, rather than trying to frantically find a topic in your head (which, due to stress, becomes completely empty).
When you are relaxed and not obsessed with inner search, dialogue ceases to be tortured.
3. Learn to talk about anything
Another problem of many shy people: they believe that every conversation should be meaningful. At the same time, conversations constantly take place around, the contents of which many instantly forget.
Such talk about anything is sometimes annoying or perplexing, and their participants may seem simply narrow-minded. Nevertheless, these people do not experience difficulties in initiating contact and receive their dose of social interaction. And it is worth learning from them.
Where to begin? Stop thinking and allow yourself to be spontaneous. Stay in the present without worrying about what you said 10 seconds ago or what you need to say in 10 more seconds.
Trust your brain, and do not try to squeeze all the juices out of it. In fact, this is a powerful device with a decent amount of information. You just need to let him do his job.
4. But just in case, have a list of topics
Harvested topics are like a cheat sheet: you don’t have to use it, but you feel more confident with it. A circle of topics that you can talk about with a girl does not need to be kept in your head all the time. It is enough to outline it and leave it on the periphery of consciousness: if something goes wrong, you can always use it.
Sean Cooper offers nine areas from which to draw ideas for conversation:
- Work, study.
- Food, cooking.
- Past experience.
- Observations of the present (situational comments).
- Future plans.
- Human relationships.
As a workout, you can come up with five example topics for each of these areas.
Another option is to talk about what you really know a lot about and try to interest your interlocutor in this. In your field you will feel more confident and will be able to open up.
Another alternative is to let the girl talk about what she understands, but at the same time remain genuinely passionate about the topic. Genuine interest is always felt. And attracted.
Of course, you should not follow all the tips at once. Try one technique, then another, check in practice in which situations they work best, or choose one that is more to your liking.
Can you share your tricks? Then welcome to the comments.