There is a very fine line between periodic requests for a favor and when asked to do something inappropriate or beyond friendship.
If you had to stay home because of an illness and you ask your classmate to give you homework, he will surely come willingly and tell you. If you ask a friend to help clarify something you don’t understand, it’s also a favor. But the request to rewrite your girlfriend’s homework because you missed a few days and didn’t understand the task is already going beyond a certain line that will put your girlfriend in a very uncomfortable position.
A favor is when you ask your younger brother to walk the dog, because by the next day you need to pass the voluminous work. If you ask him to walk the dog every day for a week, motivating it with the fact that the elders must obey, the brother will certainly be upset and complain to his parents.
When you ask your teammates: “It's okay if I run away right away today
after training, without helping to remove the equipment? ”, because the older sister meets you and you are going to dinner together - this is a favor. Constantly moving away from your duties makes you a poor member of the team and will contribute to a negative attitude towards you.
The ability to feel the difference between asking for a favor and abusing one's kindness with age becomes extremely important, as usually more and more favors are required.
When you and your family go to the mountains for a week and ask your girlfriend to come to you every day to feed a cat, you should give your girlfriend something in appreciation: a nice souvenir, a box of chocolates or a scented soap. In the near future, when you go to college, which is a six-hour drive from home, someone will take you home for the holidays. You will do the right thing if you offer the driver to pay for gas.
A favor is a manifestation of kindness when someone does something for you that he is not obliged to do. The lady does not abuse anyone's kindness and does not forget to express her gratitude.
Ask for a favor only when absolutely necessary.
Do not do it
Again and again to ask for a favor of the same person.
If you constantly pester with requests to the same person, naturally, he will begin to avoid you.
Express appreciation in response to a favor.
Do not do it
Abuse someone’s kindness or inability to refuse you.
Friends quickly share information. You don’t want to be considered a person who has a consumer attitude towards everyone around you?
The lady says “thank you” when the brother agrees to fulfill her duties, for example, to walk the dog. And after he does this, the lady thanks him again.
A lady provides a service for a service - for example, invites a brother to fulfill one of his duties in gratitude for walking the dog.
As a sign of her gratitude, the lady gives a small gift to the one who did her a big favor.
Chapter 12 Borrowing clothes
For girls, borrowing each other's clothes is as natural and ordinary as it is for guys to push a friend to the side and compete who can eat pizzas more than others. However, there are basic rules that should be followed when you take clothes from your girlfriend for a while.
Borrowing clothing must be agreed in advance. If you know that Britney has a delicious light blue sweater that looks great with your brown jeans, give her a call or send an SMS to ask if she can lend a thing to go to the movies on Friday night.
Borrowing clothes can become like a spontaneous fire when two or more girls are preparing to go somewhere in the same house - and “somewhere” can mean a walk four blocks down the street to the park where the guys from the football team train and a party at the school gym to mark the end of the seventh grade.
Girls gather in the house, bringing with them bags full of clothes in order to try on and exchange all this. A raid is arranged on the mistress’s closet, and over time, everyone leaves the house, and usually not a single girl is dressed in anything other than underwear.
Ask for permission before lending clothes, shoes, or jewelry owned by a friend, sister, or mom for a while.
Do not do it
To take something, believing that they will not mind, and you will return things before their absence is noticed.
If you take things without permission, it’s almost a theft, and you would never steal anything. In addition, you will certainly come across a person who has "lent" a plaid skirt, just when the skirt is worn on you.
Do not cross borders, understanding what can be borrowed and what cannot.
Do not do it
Take someone’s underwear, makeup, hairbrush or item that has not yet been removed the label.
Underwear is too intimate things, even for sisters.
When sharing cosmetics or combs, there is a risk of exchanging a couple of sores as well. And the first person who puts on a new thing should always be the mistress.
Return clothes clean, ironed and neatly folded. Or on a hanger.
Do not do it
Return stale shirt, tangled necklace or mud-stained shoes.
Being responsible when taking things for a while is just as important as being an educated guest. After all, you are a temporary guardian of someone's property.
Return borrowed on time.
Do not do it
Wait for the person from whom you took some thing to come and pick it up.
Borrowing is a temporary lease, not a purchase or exchange.
A lady does not ask to borrow something that is obviously not enough for her.
The lady washes the item or uses dry cleaning before returning the borrowed clothes.
A lady replaces the borrowed thing with the same if she accidentally ruins it: if the thing is torn, stained, or something else happened that made the item unusable. If it is impossible to replace, the lady proposes to reimburse the cost of the damaged thing.
Today you are waiting for 7 rules on how to ask and receive what you want.
But before sharing the correct request algorithm, I want to ask you a question: can you ask? Do you like? Do it calmly and whenever you need something? Or put off, in the hope that you can handle it yourself or someone will offer help?
As practice shows, our reluctance and inability to ask leads to disastrous results.
“We are waiting for our loved ones to realize that we need help.” As a result, we are waiting for disappointment, resentment, the feeling that they did not understand us and do not want to help. Alas, our loved ones are not psychics and can hardly read our thoughts. Therefore, do not waste time on dreams, it is better to explain.
- We dream of a surprise. An unexpected gift, help, sympathy is undoubtedly pleasing, only you have to wait in this case until the next birthday or March 8th.
“We take care and trouble ourselves, instead of making a single request.”
- We lose our care and spoil our relationships because we do not respond in time to the proposed attention.
- We conceal resentment and anger, but our hint was simply not heard or solved.
Is that familiar?
Then let's figure it out
Why don't we like to ask?
The reasons why we do not like to ask are many. You do not like to borrow and live under the motto: “I myself”. Your mother patiently took on responsibilities in the family, at work, for loved ones. You sincerely think that others will not do better. Perhaps you think that asking is awkward and ugly. It’s easier for you to cope with difficulties than to become addicted. Or maybe you are afraid to be refused or cause inconvenience.
Of course, you can proudly and independently solve all your problems, which are usually many, but you can choose another, more natural for a woman, path.
Why asking is important
1 If a woman does not ask a man, he believes that she will cope on her own, and she does not really need him
2 Accustomed to what you never ask, for the environment your unexpected request will look like something superfluous, like an encroachment on the already planned time, like your ineptitude in some matter.
3 The more often you ask, the better you do it. If you ask rarely, then it looks somehow insecure.
4 In the process of the request and its execution, relations are established. Partners become more attentive to each other.
5 Relatives feel responsibility and trust. The fewer secrets, the more honest the relationship.
Psychologists have long proved that by doing something for others, we perceive the one for whom we are part of our lives. Investing time and energy in the affairs of another, we get closer. The more we know about someone, we do something important for him, the closer and more interested we get.
How to ask wrong
1 Do not ask for what you can do yourself. This reduces the importance of the request and makes it boring.
2 Do not turn communication into a cascade of requests and directions. Otherwise, it seems that you are loading your problems. Alternate requests with other situations.
3 The request should be followed by gratitude. Do not say in response to the execution of the request “Well, that’s better”, “It would be so long ago”, “Until you ask you a hundred times ...” Say: “Thank you” or “You really helped me” - this is enough.
4 Do not ask in the forehead, without preparation. Even in a hurry, explain the situation, at least in a few words.
5 Do not replay. Excessive fawning, pretense will turn the request into a game, and instead of help you will receive a return flirt. Anyway, they may misunderstand you.
It is wrong to think that someone is ready to fulfill our requests because they should. A sense of duty or responsibility will force you to help you several times, but then you will be waived. It is better to appeal to love and sincere feelings.
How to ask correctly
1 Your request must be clear. Uncertain requests lead to uncertain results. Indicate dates, quantity, names. Emphasize if the request is due on time.
2 Speak requests on time. The request made in the back to the departing person may not be heard and easily forgotten.
3. Be prepared for failure. There is no greater resentment than failure where we are confident of a good outcome. If you have an alternative prepared, you will relax and it will be easier for you to ask.
4 Begin the request with a compliment. Say that you hope for help, that “no one can do better”, that “are still grateful for previous actions”, “that you believe in strength”.
5 Justify your request. Tell us why it is so important for you, why you don’t have time or you can’t do it yourself.
6 Do not use manipulation or turn a request into a demand. Speak calmly, even if you are denied. The expression of resentment or anger is a hidden manipulation, so do not rush to pout, cry or say: “Okay, I will remember”, this will help no more than three times, and then only ruin the relationship.
7 The size of the acknowledgment must correspond to the size of the request. For small requests, it’s enough to smile, say “Thank you”, you can offer your help in return. For great help, it is worth expressing sincere appreciation, you can thank the present. You can even thank in advance, this will increase the sense of need and responsibility.
If you have been refused:
1 Express your sincere grief, say that you are “sorry’ that “you counted on support”. Just do not generalize and do not reproach “You always do this” ... You can say that you are so often denied that you begin to keep a list of denials.
2 Be honest with yourself. Analyze why you were denied. The person really does not have time and you turned out of time or he has other, deeper reasons. Often in case of refusal, we shift the blame on the refuser, and do not want to face the truth. In fact, we can talk about difficulties in relationships, but we don’t want to admit it.
3 Do not turn failure into conflict. Better suggest an alternative. Ask when they can help you, maybe just postpone the date. Or ask for advice - how do you get out of a difficult situation. Often, a joint search for an answer leads to a solution.
4 Statement: “Then I will ask for help from another,” - refers to the manipulative. But if you are really determined to look for another assistant, then admit that you will look for “another option”.
5 Do not be afraid to repeat requests. Remember what results children achieve, repeating what they want. Instead of boiling from silence or refusal, it is better to cool down and make another attempt. Perhaps your request was simply not heard or the man was too busy. The important thing is to make the request as if for the first time. It is possible your interlocutor really paid attention to your request for the first time.