Useful Tips

Is it good to be good for everyone?

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Despite the fact that none of us will ever become a “perfect” father or mother, it is actually not so difficult to raise happy, healthy, and well-adaptable children. At the same time, the work of parents is to educate them by their own example, modeling the most desirable way of children's behavior.

  • Children need love.
  • Children need restrictions.
  • Children should look at someone from whom they could learn and from whom they could take a good example.

The intention to become an example to follow, of course, requires close attention to how well the parents themselves live. Such periodic introspection, of course, may not be the most pleasant, but it is extremely necessary for the well-being of your child.

We offer ten tips on raising children by our own example, which will help them develop character and self-esteem, as well as visually see how something is being done correctly.

1. Try to always be on top in everything. The most important thing in raising children is the parental example. Children pay attention to everything that you say and do, copy your words and imitate your actions. Remember how easy it is for your children to adopt patterns of behavior, and try your best to set the best example.

2. Take care of yourself as well. Being on top of everything means including taking good care of yourself: sleep enough hours, devote time to exercise, eat healthy foods and find healthy ways to control negative emotions, avoiding their excessive heat and explosion.

3. Be true to your obligations. You don’t want to raise a child as a slippery person, constantly dodging his obligations and upsetting other people, so be sure to set a good example for him. This means that you should always take the time to fulfill your promise (“I promised that we would go to the park after you clean your room, so pack up and leave”) and not neglect it for the sake of work or other obligations. You must do the same with your friends, family members, colleagues, and all the people in your life for whom your obligations are no less important and significant.

4. Evaluate your behavior more often. This practice will be very useful for your child, because he will see that you value not only others, but also yourself.

You can talk with your child in this way:

  • I think lately I've been watching too much TV.
  • I feel a little tired. I think I need to start eating healthier foods.
  • Today I was so angry! I think it's time to reconsider my attitude to managing anger and other negative emotions.

Invite your child to talk together to share what you would like to fix. By doing so, you reinforce your statement that being a worthy person means constantly improving and developing.

5. Be faithful. We live in times when we can erase a good friend from our lives by simply deleting him with one click of a computer mouse. Show your child what true fidelity is: help a friend in difficult times, help a local shopkeeper by buying from him most of the products and turning a blind eye to all the promotional discounts that your local supermarket is offering now, because he has been supplying you with quality products for many years, and now his family is going through difficult times.

6. Be careful. When children get older, they tend to become more independent (“Mom, please don’t come into my room!”), And this is normal. But as a parent, it’s important for you to play the role of not a “tough friend”, but of the person who can check and make sure that his child is safe at any time, even though he may find such behavior “annoying”.

  • You can explain it this way: “You are very dear to me, and my duty is to make sure that you are always healthy and safe. I hope that one day you will understand why it is so important for me to be careful and take care of the people I love. I hope that when you have your children, you will also be caring and attentive. "

7. Healthy skepticism will not hurt. Children, of course, are looking for role models not only at home, but also in their surroundings. Teach them that not all examples can and should be followed. Show them the benefits of healthy skepticism. For example, when you go for a serious purchase, you can turn to the child one on one and say: “This seller says that he has the best combination of price and quality in the city, but I have a suspicion that this is not so. Let's see how in other stores. It’s important not to give in to pressure and to trust your intuition. ”

8. Admit your mistakes. If you did something wrong, for example, you were rude to your wife because you are tired, very hungry and it is difficult for you to control yourself - do not make excuses. Take responsibility and admit that you have committed an unacceptable act.

It is very important for a child to see an example of adults who take responsibility for their actions and pay special attention to their consequences, in order to certainly correct their improper behavior.

  • “Today I wanted to go to the hairdresser, but I yelled at your father, why we had a fight. Now, instead of going to my master, I will stay with my dad to be together and apologize. "We are going to think, draw conclusions and make decisions that will make it no longer happen."

9. Take action when a child does something wrong. Many parents hesitate to take adequate measures when the child breaks the rules, but it is important to be consistent in the upbringing - this is very important for the future well-being of children.

This is described in tip number 3: be faithful to your obligations. The well-being of children directly depends on how consistent their parents are. Without this, children do not feel the incentives and motivation to correct behavior and are at risk of becoming adults who are inconsistent in their actions.

10. Get started now. Habits acquired at an early age, as a rule, pass into adulthood. Since it is difficult to break bad habits, the best thing you can do for your children is to set an example from the first day that will positively affect their character and values, as well as provide them with skills that will help them lead a responsible and productive life.

The sooner you start using these tips and the more consistent you are, the better. However, no matter how old your children are, it is never too late to set an example that will help them become worthy and happy adults!

1. You will sacrifice your interests to please others

Politeness and the desire to avoid conflicts can lead to the fact that at some point we begin to sacrifice our interests for the sake of others. This is due to fear of rejection (friends at school, colleagues). It is important for us to feel that everything is in order with us and that we are loved, because this is what gives us a sense of security.

The desire to please everyone around makes us keep the brand always and everywhere, to be good in a taxi, shop, subway. We automatically want to do something to please the driver, and now we are stretching out more tips than we should. And we are doing this completely unexpectedly for ourselves. Or we begin to entertain the hairdresser with conversations, instead of just relaxing in a chair. Or we don’t make the remark of a manicurist who unevenly applied varnish - this is our favorite salon, why spoil a good impression of ourselves?

We do harm to ourselves by not doing what we like, or we are silent when we violate our interests

As a result, our focus shifts from internal to external: instead of directing resources to work on ourselves, we spend all our efforts on external signs. It’s more important for us that they think and say about us, and we do everything in order to be appreciated and approved.

Even our own well-being does not interest us anymore: we do harm to ourselves by not doing what we like, or we are silent when we violate our interests. We give up ourselves to please others.

Sometimes this is precisely the reason for the abrupt change of mood when a conflict-free and polite person in a family becomes a real monster. To be good with strangers is quite easy, but at home we take off the mask and break off at loved ones - we shout, swear, punish children. After all, the family already loves us and "will not go anywhere", you can not stand on ceremony, relax and finally become yourself.

Everyone needs to unlearn such behavior - a big boss or a small clerk, a child or a parent. Because it is a question of the balance of our life, of what we ourselves give and receive. And if we don’t answer the same to the relatives who give us so much, our life can give a roll: the family will fall apart, our friends will turn away.

2. You will become dependent on the approval of others

This model of behavior forms a painful dependence on the approval of others. From morning to night, we need to hear compliments, recognition of talents or beauty. Only in this way we feel confident, inspired, can we do something. It works like energy dope. We begin to need it to block the inner void.

External becomes important, and internal values, feelings and sensations fade into the background

Such a scheme leads to a categorical perception of everything that happens to us. A vivid example is a person who reacts painfully to any remark, even to constructive criticism. In his model, any feedback is perceived only by two indicators: “I am good” or “I am bad”. As a result, we cease to distinguish where is black and where is white, where is truth, and where is flattery. It is becoming increasingly difficult for people to communicate with us - because in everyone who does not admire us, we see an “enemy”, and if someone criticizes us, there is only one reason - he is simply envious.

3. You will spend your energy in vain

Your friends quarreled, and you want to stay in good relations with both? This does not happen. In the words of the poet, "it is impossible to be with both those and those without betraying those and those." If you strive to be good both there and there, or you always maintain neutrality, sooner or later it will lead to a feeling of desolation. And most likely both friends will feel betrayed, and you will lose both.

There is one more problem: you are trying so hard to be useful to others, you are doing so much for them that at some point you begin to demand the same attitude towards yourself. There is inner anxiety, resentment, you begin to blame everyone. This dependence acts just like any other dependence: it leads to destruction. Man is losing himself.

The feeling of wasted effort, time, energy does not leave you. After all, you spent so much effort, but there are no dividends. And you are bankrupt, energetic and personal. You feel loneliness, irritation, it seems to you that no one understands you. And at some point you really cease to understand.

No need to do anything on purpose to earn the love of parents, teachers or classmates

Of course, everyone wants to be surrounded by "good people." But a really good person is not someone who always follows the lead of others and agrees with other people's opinions in everything. This is one who knows how to be honest and frank, who is able to be himself, who is willing to give, but at the same time to uphold his interests, beliefs and values, while maintaining his dignity.

Such a person is not afraid to show his dark sides and easily accepts the shortcomings of others. He knows how to adequately perceive people, life, and does not require anything in return for his attention or help. This self-confidence gives him a sense of success in work and in personal relationships. After all, in fact, you don’t need to do anything specifically to earn the love of parents, teachers or classmates. We are already worthy of love, because each of us in itself is already a good person.

Lily Kim - trainer, psychologist, psychoanalyst. Her website.

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Each parent, raising a child, wants the relationship in the family to develop well. For many, friendship with children is an important factor in family well-being. However, parents often forget that friendship requires building special relationships based on mutual respect, mutual understanding, trust and common interests.

In turn, for a child, friendships with parents are a natural desire, because parents are the first and main people in the life of an adult. It is in relations with them that the child learns to communicate and show his feelings.

Despite the mutual desire to be friends, often in the parent-child relationship there are disagreements and mutual discontent.

Let's look at the main causes and factors that cause them.

1) Age difference.

The age difference entails many difficulties: different interests, different levels of intellectual and personal development, unequal experience in building friendships. All these factors require parents to take a new look at friendships with their child. Indeed, in order to overcome these barriers to communication, you need to learn to adapt, understand and share each other's interests. The child, communicating with you as an adult friend, of course, will change his behavior, but the main responsibility on the parent is a more mature and experienced partner.

2) Following the usual social roles.

Friendship, as a special kind of relationship, requires equality. But inside the family, each of its members is clearly assigned a special style of behavior based on following a social role: child, adult, parent, mother, father, etc. Each role requires the performance of certain functions, which often interfere with equality. For example, the function of the parent often dictates the need for control over the child, while the parent must neglect the feelings and desires of the child. The ability to build relationships, temporarily leaving the usual role-playing stereotypes of behavior, is a very important condition for the emergence of friendship.

3) Inability to express emotions.

Unfortunately, not only children, but also adults often do not know how to express their emotions correctly and in a timely manner. This creates a big barrier to getting closer, because emotions are the main tool for mutual understanding. Excessive restraint of adults prevents the child from seeing the natural reaction of parents to events in the relationship. So is the child, who is often told “do not cry like a girl”, “do not be capricious”, etc. eventually learns to hide their feelings. The lack of sincerity as a result makes it difficult to build friendships between the child and the parent.

Despite these reasons, parents can do everything in order to neutralize the factors that prevent them from being friends with their own children. If you try, you can make the child feel the main support and support in the parents, understand that the parent can be a good friend for him, able to understand, support and share joy and sadness.

To do this, it is important to observe several rules and principles.

1) Mutual trust and sincerity.

Every adult knows that trust is the foundation of friendships. It is important that you create conditions in the family under which the child can entrust you with the most sacred. It is not easy when a child is used to believing that a parent can punish or scold for misconduct.

Try to see significant and emotionally colored events in the life of your child. It is at such moments that he really needs you as a friend, and not just a parent. When he experiences them, listen and calmly understand with him how he feels and why. Do not give ready-made advice, but rather share your experience, tell stories from your childhood related to such experiences. This will be the main resource for the child in overcoming difficulties. Feeling relieved, the child will certainly appreciate that you understood him and, without condemning, accepted his experiences. In the future, he will know that you can be trusted.

But do not forget that trust must be mutual. Despite the age, the child may well understand and hear you. Trust him on your part: tell something important and personal, share your feelings, ask what your son or daughter think about it. This will allow him to feel significant in your life.

Through these conversations, you will maintain an emotional connection with your child and feel like friends.

2) Consideration of interests.

We have already mentioned that the basis of friendship is largely shared interests. If we turn to observations, it is natural for a child from a very early age to share the interests of parents. Children strive to participate in what their parents do - they go fishing with dads, help mom to bake a pie, and dad - repair a car, they are happy to do needlework with their mom.

А вот для родителей подобное разделение интересов ребенка может быть не таким простым. Однако это — необходимое условие для дружбы. Старайтесь проявлять заинтересованность в важных для ребенка занятиях — играйте вместе, смотрите его любимые мультфильмы, обязательно участвуйте в его спортивной и творческой жизни. Then he will know that you, as a true friend, are always up to date with his affairs, you know what he loves and what not, you will always have topics for conversation.

Try to find some kind of joint activity that will please both of you: ride bicycles, collect models, paint pictures, decorate your home with home-made decor, dance.

3) Equality.

Despite the different age and characteristics of family roles, to maintain friendly relations it is important that the child feels his importance, is on an equal footing with you in resolving some issues. This does not mean that you are losing your parental authority and cannot make fundamental decisions. But, the child must understand that his opinion, along with that of adults, is taken into account. So, his friendly feelings will not be offended by unjust discrimination.

4) Mutual respect and acceptance.

For the development of friendly relations between children and parents, it is necessary that they are built on the principle of mutual respect and acceptance. Each has its own shortcomings, may be mistaken and be incomprehensible to something else. Acceptance of each other as they are is the main condition for friendship. Feeling loved and valuable, the child will have tender feelings for you and will definitely reciprocate.

Adhering to these principles in your attitude to the child, you can expect that the child will consider you a friend. It strengthens parental feelings, gives a feeling of harmonious and warm family relationships.

And most importantly, do not forget that on the example of friendship with you, the child learns to be friends with others. These skills are sure to be useful to him in life. By your example, you show what relations between close people can be. Therefore, just try to enjoy each other, spend more time together, discover new things, share impressions and feelings.

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